I'm not okay
by Noriko Sakuma
Summary: Warning Spoilers of the LoSH TV lastest episode . I used to lie when you asked me that questio; but the truth is, I'm definitely not okay. Sorta in Brainy POV. One sided Superman/Brainy.


* * *

Uh.. Well, this fic came out when I was feeling extremely depressed. It sounded a lot better in my mind, as usually happens XD; I re-read it this morning and definitely thought I could've pull it out better. But I'm not going to edit it it because it'd make me sad again. xD;

So uh... yeah, read under your own risk.

-º-º-º-º-

"Are you okay, Brainy?"

"Yes."

I used to be able to say that so convincingly that, for a moment, I could even fool myself.

It had been absolutely necessary for me to wear that mask and perform it perfectly. I could not let them see through it, I could not let them have even the smallest _suspicious_ about my true feelings; I was so scared I wouldn't be able to escape that place.

I've mastered and been putting on the act for most of my life that I could no longer bring myself to stop.

Not even now.

"Are you okay, Brainy?"

"Yes."

_Specially_ not now.

At first I thought it was enough to deceive you. Every time I answered to your questions I would put on my mask and assure everything was fine, sometimes even smile; to that point I wasn't sure if it was all part of the act, your great influence on me didn't let me tell the difference if the gesture was still only for commitment. And you seemed truly convinced with it; sometimes so much it would hurt.

Could you really not see how much I was trembling inside?

"Are you okay, Brainy?"

"Yes."

Then again, if that was the case, why did you keep asking the same question again and again? Could it be that you saw the flaws on my act? The fractures on my mask?

Even if I had polished it with the years, your mere presence made it crumble little by little. I couldn't tell why and it scared me; with you nearby I couldn't keep the synthetic feelings for too long. They all felt too foreign to bear.

"Are you okay, Brainy?"

"... Yes."

Hesitation.

Could it be that you're breaking through me? Tearing down one by one all the layers that I've put around myself during all my life? Making it harder for me to pretend, to believe in my answers and not care about the true, vibrating warm that it's growing stronger within me?

Do you notice this at all? _What you're doing to me?_

I am being a little unfair, aren't I?

They say it's easier to blame somebody else but yourself, but I cannot even have that granted. I can't blame you, even if I would have wanted to; it simply goes beyond me. And after all, this is nobody's fault but mine.

"Are you okay, Brainy?"

"I-, I'm fine, Superman."

No, I'm not okay. Of course I am not.

But I will never tell you this; you might end taking down all the barriers but those words will never leave my lips.

It would just complicate things too much and it would not be fair to you, you couldn't possibly do something to stop it nor it was started by you; it is my fault and mine alone.

* * *

Pawns in a perfect defensive order, Bishops in place and Towers securing the King; just the right time to go on with the initially planned attack.

"Why do you resist so much, Brainiac Five?"

Black Tower captured by a white knight; Black Bishop counter attacking, falling on the trap of the White Queen.

"You know this is your legacy, all of this is part of what you are."

White Bishop captured, Black Knight deceased, along with several Pawns sacrificed alongside. Black Queen attacking directly to the White King.

"Why don't you just let the generations of knowledge embrace you? You could be so much more, Brainiac Five."

Tower for Queen, Bishop for Knight, and the final blow made by the White Queen.

"Check Mate."

Smirk.

"You can't fight your destiny, Brainiac Five."

Then nothing. The challenger disappeared into the darkness, leaving nothing behind but the trace of a recently played Chess match.

The white pieces stand victorious over the monochromatic board; but even so, one can't help but notice there are even less pieces standing that in the past games.

Every time was getting more and more difficult to win.

* * *

"So, who's the lucky one, huh, Superman?"

"W-whaaat? I don't know what you're talking about."

"Aw, c'mon, of course you do! But to refresh your mind I'm talking about to who's the lucky one to be in that super-heart of yours."

"Ah, I, uh..."

"Lightning Lad, stop being inopportune."

"Uh, I'm just teasing him Saturn Girl."

"Well, still. Just stop."

"Besides it's well known that Superman only had eyes for Lois Lane."

"W-what?! How did you--! Huh, I mean.."

"Phantom Girl!"

"Oops?"

"Hahahah, Superman looks cute when he's flustered"

"I-- I do not."

"And the pout just adds the charm on!"

"Duo Damsel, _please_."

"Aw, it's just a harmless joke."

"Everyone, please refrain yourselves of revealing _anything_ from Superman's future so lightly like that; even if just a minor thing, it might have an important change on time. Try to be mature enough to deal with this kind of information."

"Che, you're such a spoil sport Brainy."

Whisper. "Really, you don't have to go all jealous over something so simple."

"Hn."

"Hey, thanks, Brainy."

"Nothing to thank about, I was merely protecting the proper time stream."

* * *

"I have to say, I do admire this stubbornness of yours, Brainiac Five."

He found himself in front of a cross road. For the first time ever since these matches begun he had to stop for a minute and think of his next move.

"You said it's for justice and peace you struggle so much against me, that you cannot accept my legacy. But even so, you know that with my power you will be able to bring order to all the chaos in the worlds."

Frown. He never talked back to whatever the challenger was saying. It made things easier to help him pretend he was not real. Things only get worse when mentally illed people start responding to their imaginary people.

"You know he will never return your feelings. He's just an unworthy fool, Brainiac Five. And you well know there is no future for what you wish."

A sudden move and the White Queen violently knocks the Black Tower out of the game.

"Shut. Up."

* * *

Damn him.

He was getting a lot stronger every day, too strong. Invading his mind with such fierceness; it was harder and harder to keep him out, to find a safe place for himself on his own mind.

How did he dare to go into that specific place and violate all his privacy?!

Damn him, _damn him!_

It made him feel nauseated to think that damn bastard dared to put his filthy hands on something so precious to him. It was his secret, his and _his alone_! He had no right, _no right_!

Damn it! Damn it... damn...

* * *

Even if everything Brainiac 1.0 had said was true, he didn't care. They were all things he already knew. He always had thought things logically, and that field had not been the exception. But even so, emotions weren't something he could control so easily as he did with the flow of information; they were so unstable and volatile, rushing forward at the most unexpected times.

It would've been a lie to say that there wasn't a small flame of hope deep inside him; a hope for his wish to be granted. He even hadn't been aware of when such foolish feeling started, but he found himself unable to get rid of.

He was still desperately trying to cling to reality but he knew he was just fooling himself. To prove it was the created simulations on Computo only he had access to.

Brainiac Five stepped inside the simulation room; He had some spare time at the moment. The Legion was still fighting against Imperiax with all his might and these small break moments were really rare. He told the other he would be on his laboratory thinking over for a new plan.

The Coluan looked up to the high ceiling, familiarizing himself back with his environment, allowing a small smile twitch on his lips.

It had been a while, hadn't it?

"Computo, run simulation number 0505-0361!"

The metallic walls were suddenly swallowed into darkness before quickly being replaced by more normal looking ones. All the simulation room had changed as well, now it looked more like a small, nice, living room of some simple but welcoming house.

The blond passed his eyes around the place before walking toward the only couch on the room. He let his fingers linger on the fabric for a second before deciding to flop in, ending on a rather lazy looking position as he let all this body rest on it.

He put a hand over his eyes and there was only a small lapse of time before he could hear soft footsteps walking closer to him. Once he took off his hand out of his vision range he could clearly look at the other person in front him. He smiled softly.

"Hey Brainy!" The other teen saluted, grinning at the Coluan. "Hey, are you alright? Feeling tired?"

"Hmm," he paused for a second. "Just a little."

"Well, with all the work you do I would be surprised if you weren't." Chuckle. "You know, I have an idea. Even if you refuse I'm going to kidnap you and oblige you to watch a movie with me."

Blink.

"H-huh?"

Snerk.

"C'mon, dibs on me, you need this break and I'm going to take a no for an answer."

Light flush, then a tiny smile with a skeptical look.

"Do I actually have any say on this?"

"Hmm, nope!" The raven haired teen grinned again and offered his hand for Brainy to take.

Brainy un-maliciously rolled his eyes.

"Figures."

But right when he was about to take the other teen's hand the simulation suddenly stopped, making his own hand go all the way through the previously offered hand.

_'Intruder detected, emergency override security system initiated. Proceding to terminate the current simulation.'_

Brainiac Five blinked as the scenario around him started to vanish, eventually leaving him back again to the cold and empty simulation room.

Then the doors of the main entrance suddenly went open.

"Brainy! So this is where you were. We received the signal that Dream Girl will be arriving to the ship soon." Said Chameleon Boy as he rushed inside the room.

He took a moment of silence, perhaps letting it linger a second more than what it was secure.

"Brainy?"

"I see. Let's go to the main control room, then."

* * *

_'Silly Brainiac Five, why do you just keep clinging to those foolish feelings?'_

Shut up.

_'He would never return them, why would he? Why would he accept you when you're not even entirely **'alive'**? You're no less cold that any other machine. And you already saw the history records._

Shut up.

_'When it can be so easy to get rid of them and you know that. Just one word and it'll be done.'_

Shut. Up.

_'Embrace me and your legacy and I guarantee you won't feel anymore pain, Brainiac Five. I will vanish everything and you will be granted with the ultimate power to bring order to the universe._

**Shut up!**

_'You can't fight your destiny, Brainiac Five.'_

* * *

There was another blow nearby the ship, making Brainy's room shake in a violent pattern. He managed to keep his balance before returning his gaze to the projection screen in front him.

Imperiax forces were too great, the legion was slowly losing to them, he could clearly see that just like an outsider seeing the obvious resolution to a foreing chess match.

And he could do nothing to prevent it.

"No."

He couldn't leave his room, Superman had confined him there and with valid reasons. Brainia 1.0 had become strong enough to take over his actions, he couldn't risk it to go on battle like that; who knew what Brainiac 1.0 might oblige him to do?

"Damn."

A sudden image appeared in the screen's projection.

_'You know you can out an end to this, Brainiac Five. You can bring order to this chaos.'_

The blond frowned and glares with great heatred at it.

"No, I will never submit to your evil legacy! Just leave me alone already! Get. Out. Of. My. Head!!"

_'If you don't take action now the legion will perish, and you know it.'_

"No, they--" There was another blow and the room shook violently. "I don't need you, I will help them with my own resources. I will never let you take over my mind!"

With that Brainy turned around and ran toward the door of his room, ready to hack on Computo so it would let him out. What he didn't expect was the sudden, electrified shock that ran through all his body, making him fall into the ground and oblige his system to shut down momentarily.

_'I didn't want to take this course of actions... but you left me no choice, Brainiac Five.'_

* * *

Brainy immediately opened his eyes as he woke up from the previous unexpected attack, and the first thing he noticed was that he was, probably, no longer on the ship.

He almost jumped into a sitting position, looking around him in almost a desperate manner. There was only a great field on grass surrounding him, along with some trees nearby and some flowers too. In resume, there was only vivid and colorful nature, nothing more.

If he focused his gaze to the horizon he could tell there was a village not too far from there.

But what-- Just how did he get there? Was it... an illusion?

The touch on the grass felt to _real_, and so did the wind that was currently playing with the bangs of his hair. He could not recall any simulation being _like this_.

But it didn't make sense, last thing he remembered was--

"Brainy?"

As he heard his name called out, he turned his head toward the origin and looked up; eyes widening slightly as he recognized the person before him.

"So this is where you were." The teen smiled at him. "I've been looking all over for you, I didn't knew you would be in a place like this; though I have to admit it quite nice, hmm?" The raven haired boy moved his head from side to side before sitting down right beside the blond.

"C-Clark?" Was the only thing Brainiac Five could stutter out. This didn't make sense, it could possibly-- but he even could smell the other boy's scen. _Why?_

"Hmm?" Replied Clark, not seeming to mind much Brainy's obvious confusion. "It's a pretty place, isn't it? To be honest, quite prefect to stay in." He moved his hand to put it on Brainy's shoulder, oblivious the strong shiver the action caused on the other boy.

"This-- can't be real." Said the Coluan, shutting his eyes down while trying to ignore how _real_ felt the touch on his shoulder and think of a way to get out of that illusion.

"What are you saying Brainy?" Said the kryptonian, throughly looking and sounding hurt, which sent a panf of guilt into Brainy's heart. "I am here with you now, Brainy. Don't you see?"

"No, it's all part of an illusion, this-- this just can't be." The words hurt to leave his lips, but he knew it was nothing but the truth.

"Brainy..." Clark then reached out to gently touch the blond's cheek, making him shiver even more. "Don't you see? This is a place for us, to be together without having to worry about anything else, don't you like it?"

Brainy felt like crying and he heard himself swallow down an pained breath. He still had his eyes shut tightly but he couldn't help but lean into the touch. He couldn't explain it but it was like if all his emotions had been shot wild, he couldn't bring himself to think straight; his logical side seemed to have vanished.

And everything happening around him just hurted so much, even if he knew it was only an illusion. He strongly felt like giving up, giving up to the pain and accept this scenario as real; if it already felt like it, what else did he need anyway?

"I-I have to get out.. I--" But not even he could believe his words, all his body trembled and cried to remain where he was. The shadow of his overwhelmed common sense was the only thing that it was still resisting.

"Brainy, look at me, please?" And he could not refuse that, soon finding himself gazing into the light blue eyes of the other boy. _It was so real._ "Stay. Stay with me, please?" As he said that Clark grabbed onto one of the Coluan's hands, bringing it up to his chin level and kissing it softly. Brainy wasn't aware of when tears started flowing down.

His thoughts seemed to have been disconected completely, no longer being able to resist against anything. He looked away from those intense eyes for a second before feeling himself smiling up; submitting himself completely to this wonderful fantasy.

"I-- Yes, I'll stay."

* * *

Reinitiating his systems didn't take more than a few seconds to accomplish. Brainiac slowly stood up and remained still at the center of the room as he familiarized with his new functions. The he looked up with a dark smirk going across his face. His features were no longer what the used to be, his eyes narrowed and an evil self conceited expression seemed to bright permanently on his face.

"Oh you poor, silly Brainiac Five, hadn't you realized the only thing holding you against my influence was nothing but your usuless heart?" Even his voice sounded more metallic. He laughed in a cruel fashion. "All your systems had already betrayed you; but of course, the most logical choice was to accept the upgrade and grow stronger. The only solution was to confine that weak feelings within yourself."

He tilted his head to the side for a second before stretching his arms and opening up his palm to the useless door standing between him and his destiny.

"Lets bring order to this chaos, shall we, Brainiac Five?"

--End--

I might or not make a continuation for this fic; it all depends on what happens on the next and final episode of the series.


End file.
